The Constant Chatter of Limiting Self-Talk and ADHD
If you had a group of advisors who consistently provided inaccurate information on your strategic outlook or constantly second guessed your sound decisions, what would you do as a leader or business owner?
After repeated offenses you would put these advisors on notice with the possibility of termination or separation, right?
At the least, you would be more skeptical of their advice and move to limit their influence, right?
And you would look to replace this group with a group of advisors who you could trust to provide consistent and reliable feedback to support your big agenda, your most important decisions.
A no brainer, right?
Yet inside our brains not only do we have a group of advisers who consistently provide terrible advice, we come back to them time and time again, convinced that they will give us what we need. As a part of our belief systems we all run narratives and reinforce stories both positive and negative. The negative narrative is often referred to in coaching as the Inner Critic. Jung referred to it as the Shadow Self. Richard Carson wrote about it in the early 80s in his book, Taming Your Gremlins. Positive Intelligence (PQ) refers to this as your Judge and Saboteurs. Recently, we’ve seen a lot of research regarding confirmation bias - our belief system ‘telling’ us what we think we want to hear. Everyone has these characters but they can have a greater negative impact for people with ADHD.
For one, the Judge is more entrenched in the ADHD brain, convincing us that we can’t be successful without them. In a neurotypical brain, negative signals (anger, blame or shame) are 3-5 times stronger than positive signals like gratitude or empathy. Add ADHD to the mix and we can at least double that amount. Why?
We are wired for the loudest signal so we ‘sample’ the negative signals much more often than the positive ones. This is our ‘hunter’ mindset. We tend to hunt for the most exciting and also the thing that is most pressing or urgent.
We have weaponized our fight/flight center of the brain to respond and react to crises. This is our consequence-based motivation system that we rely on so heavily to get things done in the 11th hour. Guess who is the spokesperson of the fear center? These negative advisors.
These voices of fear or doubt can be extensions of an ADHD symptom. I have an avoider voice inside of me who tells me the time is ‘not quite right for action’. With ADHD this is exasperated by the challenge and delay of decision-making, an intense executive function process.
Circular thinking or rumination puts these negative messages on ‘repeat’ where we hear the messages more frequently and more caustically.
Finally our sense of Self naturally erodes over time if we do not actively fortify and reenforce our mission or purpose with activities and practices based in our values and strengths. One client, a brilliant leader and content expert, was falsely convinced by his own Judge that he had no redeeming qualities. Barkley often refers to this as a faulty ‘Who’ and ‘Why’ circuit.
Just noticing these characters can limit their influence. You can’t fire them but you can strip them of their ‘board status’ and limit their daily influence. They like to keep you off balance and try to make you act out of fear or scarcity. Most of all they try to activate your Adrenaline Response Cycle - How most of us activate for task. As you put these unsavory characters on notice start to identify positive advisors who can counter this negative chatter. They live inside you and often reflect your values like curiosity, learning or integrity. They also are all around you in the form of people who really care about you and want to support you on your journey. We thrive when we establish ‘signals of reassurance’ both internal and external.
In coaching we identify goals and barriers to achieving those goals. Coaches partner and support clients with proven techniques to overcome the challenges. ADHD symptoms like time estimation and activation certainly are obstacles to change but so is the limiting thinking that reinforce our behaviors that are counter to our objectives. When we pay attention to this group of ‘advisors’ and see them for who they are - purveyors of limited thinking and doubt, fear and scarcity - we can put distance between us and their unhelpful opinions.
If this content resonates check out my next steps page where I share steps and resources to address your ADHD. If you are curious about how emotional awareness can not only help you better manage your ADHD but make you a more effective leader, check out my Equanimity program where we explore the nexus of neuroscience (PQ), ADHD and emotional regulation, coaching and leadership.